Perfectly Butchered

So I am having a recurring nightmare that i will one day wake and realize, I am out of time! A friend of mine says that, in chasing a career and a stable life we should not forget that in the end the legacy we leave are, the children. I actually do not dispute that but, in my nightmare I can not seem to find a logical way to achieve this. I think it reflects my life. I am starting out in a career and i can not take care of myself as yet so commitment to a child will be almost impossible. I know that if you have a child, you work it and learn how to commit and manage but, I like plans. I want it to be something i can handle not something i have to handle. And i am big on the horse goes before the carriage; I am big on marriages so bummer!

I want the opportunity to do this my way. I want my career to take off then lets us do the family and work on it from there! Am i to ambitious for wanting that?!
I do not think so. In this time of hard economic times why should i not place myself in such position to be able to take care of myself and my family. I am traditional but i do not think starving is the way to be in touch with your roots!

I have eyes i see how women who depend fully on their partners are left with nothing when he decides to throw you out. Or worse women are forced to live in constant fear of a major disease because their husbands can not keep in their pants. They can not leave because they have no other option! I do not want to ever be stuck! So i am going to slow it down and work it my way.

Hopefully the Lord helps me out there!

Insanely wondering

So, a friend of mine just started blogging (welcome afkaary) and she has the most hilariously true posts. Two of my favourite posts talk of relationship and marriage.

Just got me thinking of how terrifying trusting and completely giving yourself to a guy can be. I mean when you stand in that altar, can someone ever be sure that this is it. I am not sure one can be and that is scary.

It is said we live in times when truth is subjective and dependent on so many variables. We live in times when love does not define a relationship. Growing up with the ladybird series, I believed that love was the embodiments of all other virtues among them honesty and faithfulness. Now all grown up, I am in view of a different reality! Though he loves me it does not guarantee that he will always be faithful cherish only me, forfeiting all others. Teary truth to tell oneself.

So, what now???!!! Do i accept that my choices might be wrong or in all probabilities will be wrong. I have a friend who told me today that it is not that he wont cheat, its just that you pray he comes back home. Really??!! This is what I have to look forward to.

Afkaary says we have to learn to let go of the steering wheel, let him drive sometimes. I agree but.... what if he is not such a good driver. I used to think I am those totally independent women but i have found out that, I am really not. I would love to have a man take care of me a bit, I would love to take off my shoes and trust his to carry me across but what scares me is, will I survive the fall should I drop.

I guess that is what it means to dare to love. The odds are scary and I am just wondering if i should just look out for myself and change the game.

Insanely wondering..............

de nada, n'est ce pas?

I met a guy last week who was in a bit of trouble with the girlfriend. The girl was mad at him because she found him with a bunch of girls while he said he will be home for the night. To make matters worse it took him 20 minutes to acknowledge her presence in the room. So, for twenty minutes this girl sat there like some crazy stalker.

He told me that he and the girl had hooked up about two weeks before and as far as he is concerned he owed her nothing. He never said they are exclusive he said.

Anyway, he did manage to charm her into believing in him, I guess.

This scenario leaves me with many questions. First, what does a hook up mean and after a two week long ‘hook-up’ what am I entitled to?

If I may focus on the word dating for a moment, dating is in itself the hooking up of two people who have a certain attraction to each and are desirous of seeing if they are compatible for whatever. So if we are hooking up, are we not dating? I ‘hook up’ with you for two weeks of course I do expect a certain level of respect unless we have an agreement to the contrary.

But, my feelings on the whole matter were made irrelevant later on. I was informed in a later conversation that this same guy was dating someone else. Of course I was shocked! “ Pig!” I thought.
But clearly that word was wasted on him because as it turned his indiscretions were deeper than I thought. He was married!

Let me spell out the scenario here. The man had a wife, a girlfriend and a ‘hook-up’.

‘Scary’ is all I could think of.

My questions were no longer of when were you referred to as the girlfriend but rather, is trusting your man really worth it?
A married man leaves a woman behind; a woman who takes care of his kids and serves his every need. He goes jumping from bed to bed of the many consequential girlfriends while his wife sits faithfully waiting for the tired working man.

That sounds like a not so attractive prison in which you may die because you loved and trusted.

Ho am I to feel sorry or exactly whom should I not feel sorry for. There is the little girl who believes she got the one and she is heart broken at the thought that he might be cheating on her. Then, there is the girl who believes she has a nice kind and loving boyfriend. And of course, the woman who took the plunge, fell in love and decided to marry the man of her dreams and she did. The woman who bore his child.

As my friend says, I do not know how or what to trust. I do not know if this man has another or will have another. It is scary that you can sit in your house so sure of what you have while, there is another (or more) women sitting in their living rooms thinking the same thing of that same man.

Prisoner broken!

So the super Intelligent, drop-dead gorgeous prisoner architect, scofield (wentworth Miller) could be gay. i use "could be" because, like all the other female members of the prison break planet, I am hoping he is not.

Why would he want to play for his own team while the field on the other side is full of easy prey????

Am heart broken! My dreams are dashed, literally. Now when i dream of Went, MacFarlane (scotty on Bros & Sis, and i still hated him) pops in. I hate that dream! I dint like scotty for the Rys character in Brthers and sisters and, I totally hate him for went.

We want you back!!!

Never been in love!!

My friend who got married a while back just told me that she is not in love with her husband. She further informed me that Love is probably not going to come to her but it is the best decision she ever made. I am shocked! Then to ofcourse dent my belief in love further, she informed me that since she and I think alike in all probabilities i will never fall in love! Mean!!!

Gets me thinking. If i will never fall in love, as my "amazing" friend seems to think, then what now? The evil i call a friend had a few answers: she suggests that i should look for a man i can stand and loves me and get married, everything else will fall in place. Very good advice actually but, what about the love?

I have always thought when the "right time" came, i will find the one who will make my world spin and complete. Did i create "the one for me" myth for myself? What about the fairy tale (the modern version has a guy driving the fancy car and owning a concorde:))

I want the dream, the butterflies and all those things I see (in movies embarrassingly)..... i want the half!

I am not good at settling so what to do?

WELCOME TO MY HEAD :)

Hey hey out there,

This is my completely fun blog or at least it will be when it picks up. Got my fingers crossed. So I thought this first blog should introduce me and my Dreaming Insanity.

I grew up being told to dream big and I did. I went further though, I dreamt the wild. Quite frankly, the impossible is what I dreamt of. As I grow older, I am not a day older than 22 for the next 10 years, I realize that the impossible sometimes is the only thing that can make your heart beat.

So, join me as we dream crazy and I share what is in my head.

Wanted to call this ALL IN MY HEAD but, here is introducing DREAMING INSANITY instead.

WELCOME.